my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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