i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
