May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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