the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
