Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
