it hurts more in the daytime
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you have to choose: penises or morals?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize