I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
