I'm pants shitting drunk right now
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
