I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
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False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
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Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor