Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.