I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
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Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
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DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties