Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I accidentally had phone sex last night
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich