Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
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