I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
