You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I looked at my own cervix.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Randomize
