the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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