So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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