You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
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During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
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Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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