You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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