I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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