my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
