saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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