I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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