We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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