there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
