4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
she peed on how many people?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
