If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
