Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
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There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
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I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My ass is underappreciated
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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