i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
