So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
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ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
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who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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