I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
