Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i love accidental penises.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
