And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
