Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
