He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
