Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
