What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
