I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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