Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
