question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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