I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
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Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
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Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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