Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
