i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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