I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
