he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
