You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize