Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
