and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
They took my balls.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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