My Higher Power is John Stamos
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
