Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
