Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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