I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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