put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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