It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
