dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
