The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
